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Be careful what you wish for

Posted on by Posted in Pregnancy .

I had a lengthy “wish list” for this – my final pregnancy.

1. That my gestational diabetes would be mild and manageable.

2. That this baby would pick a favorable position

3. That I would be able to go into labor naturally.

4. That the timing of said labor would not interfere with John’s Master of Accounting program.

5. That I would be able to VBAC again.

For me, given my obstetrical history of GD, large babies, previous c-section, etc – this list is nothing short of asking for the miraculous. So now, I am nearly 39 weeks and the following has happened:

1. My gestational diabetes has been amazingly controlled with little if any affect on Barrett. He is measuring right at the 50th percentile.

2. My pain receptors and muscle pain are constantly being managed using the medication from www.neuropathyhelp.co/ which was prescribed to me by the doctor handling my case.

3. He is firmly engaged and ready to go

4. My team of doctors is letting me go to my due date for the first time ever. They have also agreed to break my water by next Thursday to induce labor if I haven’t already delivered.

5. John is off til the Monday after Labor Day from class.

6. All signs are a go for another vbac.

And I have the nerve to be impatient and uncomfortable!!! Considering all that we’ve dealt with this pregnancy, you would think I would be nothing less than completely grateful! But I’m human….and I’m 36. I’m relishing these last days of ever being pregnant again, while simultaneously dreaming and hoping that each day is THE day. Part of me is also scared about what we will face raising this special little guy…but I am so ready to just face those fears and get on with it!

So all In all, things are well here. We will be having this baby within 8 days and there is comfort there. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers!

 

I met the Neonatologist…

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and he was awesome 🙂

At the advice of Dr. Lopez-Zeno (my specialist), I had a consult with Dr. Kupke, the Neonatologist/Geneticist at Northside Hospital where we will deliver. To be honest, I was more annoyed that I had yet another appointment to go to (at 3pm, on a school night, to fight rush hour home to the kids), but I felt much better than I anticipated after the fact.

Dr. Kupke was very optimistic, but realistic, and struck a perfect balance of concern and encouragement. So in our half hour together, we came up with (well, he came up with, I just wrote notes) this action plan:

  • I now have something fancy called a neonatal alert: When I arrive at Northside, all sorts of people will know about it, and our needs will be known by our care team.
  • When he is born, a NICU team will be there to greet him and give a thorough exam in the room with us. Assuming there are no immediate health concerns, we can cuddle him a bit and do some initial bonding and the counting of fingers and toes.
  • From here, John will go with Barrett to the Transitional Nursery until I’m able to join them. This is a step in between the regular “well baby” nursery, and the NICU. He could be here for a couple hours, up to 6.
  • While in the Transitional Nursery he will have a lot of visitors – Neonatologist, Geneticist, Neurologist, Cardiologist. He will also be fed under supervision to check for signs of feeding problems. He will be monitored for infant spasms and oxygen levels. During this period, if nothing presents as a concern, he gets to come back and stay with us. He can only be held in the Transitional Nursery for 6 hours, so if something does present as a problem, he will be admitted to NICU, but Dr. Kupke felt the odds of this were lower.
  • Before we go home, he will have the following tests: DNA Micro-Array (a full chromosome workup to look for errors, deletions, duplications, etc), the geneticist will examine him for signs of any “syndromes,”  an echocardiogram (20% of babies with ACC also have heart defects as the heart is another midline structure in the body – no cause for panic, our ultrasounds have not yet detected any major heart defects, but an echo is more accurate for murmurs and other mild defects), a follow up MRI (this has been recommended by everyone so far – to confirm diagnosis and look at the final folding patterns of his brain for any defects), and the state test for inborn errors of metabolism.

I now understand why Dr. Lopez-Zeno wants me to consult with the pediatric neurology group next. The group at CHOA Scottish Rite has a lengthy waiting list, so a consult now makes him an existing patient later which will speed up the availability of any appointments we need after birth, and they will be familiar with us when they come over for his exam. So, we are working on the referral forms, and we are hoping to get that appointment in the next several weeks.

Prayer requests:

here are some specific things I’m praying for, should you care to join me 🙂

  • I would prefer no complications at all, obviously, but if they are to be, that they would manifest in the hospital where experts know what to look for. My biggest fear is missing something at home.
  • That breastfeeding would be a non-issue. It’s really important to us for a variety of issues, and one of my biggest fears is that his ability to do this will be impacted.
  • That I can still VBAC (this has nothing to do with his diagnosis, but more with my gestational diabetes), but if a repeat c-section is meant to be that it would be obvious and I would be at peace about it. I guess what I’m saying is that his birth would be “directed” from above.

Those are the big ones right now, and that’s it for this update. Next week is significant! After my appointment with my specialist tomorrow, I will start visiting my doctors twice a week for Non Stress Tests. It’s such a grind, but it means that we are now no more than 7 weeks away from “eviction day.” I have to deliver by 39 weeks due to my history with gestational diabetes. I will be 32 weeks this weekend. I cannot believe it.

Thanks everyone for all the encouragement and prayers!

 

Sinking In

Posted on by Posted in Agenesis of the corpus callosum, Pregnancy .

I think last Tuesday I was pretty much running on adrenaline. I didn’t cry. I was so mentally prepared for what I “knew” they would say, that I barely flinched. I’m a bit self conscious about receiving any accolades for “being so strong.” So here’s the part where I tell you that the next day, I came home to my husband waiting for me in the driveway, his eyes red. He had Googled, poor guy. We just held each other, and cried. The “sinking in” feeling is where it gets real. This is not a “maybe,” it’s our new unknown reality.

It’s not sadness though. Just an insane worry for a little dude we already love so much. I think about how John named him (and was rather adamant about it too). It couldn’t be more perfect.

Barrett: bear-like, strength or power of a bear

Maxim: greatest

Just a 30 week update for you today:

At the Perinatologist Friday, Barrett was weighing in at 3lbs 4oz at 29w5d, putting him in the 55th percentile – which is perfect for him. He’s maintained this same rate of growth for the past 2 months now.  Other remarks were that everything else looks good “considering.” So fluid levels, heart activity, movement, breathing…all good. We left with instructions to make consultation appointments for the Northside Hospital Neonatologist, Dr. Kupke, who is also a geneticist, as well as a mission to get a referral to Children’s at Scottish Rite to consult with the Pediatric Neurologists. No rush on these, we have a while, and these appointments are more of the “what to expect” variety so it won’t be so overwhelming at birth and thereafter.

At my regular OB visit today, I have gained 1 pound total from pre-pregnancy, my BP was 120/80, and as per his usual style, Barrett had a great time kicking the doppler wand, but his heart rate was variable in the 140’s. I made my next 7 appointments for presumably the rest of this pregnancy for our NST’s at that office, and so the pattern after my visit with the Perinatologist on 7/11 will be Tuesday NST’s (non stress tests*) at the regular OB, and Friday NST’s at the Perinatologist. Fun.

(*Non stress tests: I sit in a recliner for at least 20 minutes with 2 straps around my belly. 1 is a heartrate monitor, the other is a contraction monitor. I am given a little button to press every time Barrett moves. The clicks of my button, his heart rate, and any contractions I have are recorded on a “strip” – a printout – and the hopeful result is a heart rate that increases with activity, and returns to a baseline resting pattern soon after activity. Dips to low, racing too high = bad. A flat heart rate with little variation is “non reactive.” The goal is to get a “reactive” test result which generally means that he is happy with his womb environs, and handling his stress well.)

So, all in all, we are sinking into this new normal. Some days I find I don’t even think about the diagnosis anymore. I’m trying to just live in the moment and enjoy these last remaining weeks – hemorrhoid and all. I’ve been simultaneously encouraged and terrified by the parents of kids with this diagnosis who have shared their stories with me on Facebook. I hope that some day I can be a help to someone as well.

Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum and Colpocephaly

Posted on by Posted in Agenesis of the corpus callosum, Pregnancy, Ventriculomegaly .

Here is what I know:

  1. I serve an all-knowing God
  2. He is good…all the time.
  3. My son is missing his corpus callosum entirely. The technical name is complete agenesis of the corpus callosum. The CC connects the left and right hemispheres of the brain and facilitates communication between the two. It is a congenital birth defect and will not ever form. The colpocephaly is just a fancy new name for the ventriculomegaly. Where  VM is a general term for enlarged ventricles, colpocephaly  is a specific type of dilation – in this case the occipital horns of the lateral ventricles are enlarged to “fill in the space” left by the missing corpus callosum.

Thats it. How this will affect him, we have to wait and see. Each person’s brain is unique, and his will be no different in its uniqueness. He “could” have developmental delays, intelligence deficits, seizures, and a range of other complications. He “could” function typically for many years until symptoms develop. We just won’t know. But, we love him regardless, he has a super cute profile I can’t wait to kiss on, and just like our other kids, I’m excited to get him here safely and start getting to know him for who he is

Thanks for your prayers and all the well wishes and texts. He was super cooperative for the MRI, and I was only uncomfortable for about 20 minutes. The staff at CHOA Egleston were so comforting and amazing to this “non child patient”, it made me wish I could go there for all my health needs 🙂 John asked me if it was normal to be hugged after this type of event. I think it definitely should be.

For more info

One more “get up” until our Fetal MRI

Posted on by Posted in Pregnancy, Ventriculomegaly .

This morning’s Google search has been concentrated on preparing for our Fetal MRI tomorrow. If you don’t know WHY I’m having a Fetal MRI, please read this. I’ve had a week to think about this – which is a dangerous thing. I will share with you some of my irrational fears. Please do feel free to laugh at me.

  1. The MRI tube at Egleston will be child sized. I am comforted by the fact that a 16 year old linebacker is also a “child” so they probably use a standard size MRI tube just with kid comforts. I was told I could bring the DVD of my choice. Decisions, decisions.
  2. They might not have a gown large enough for a pregnant woman who is gaining gravitational force with each passing day. Again, I picture linebackers and I am slightly encouraged. I do know for a fact they have bed sheets there; that’ll do.
  3. Have I had some unknown procedure where an errant piece of metal was left inside my body? One way or another, I will find out – hopefully without pain.

Here is what I do know, and I will share in case you are curious, because some of you have asked me:

  • I will NOT be sedated. I’m just the host here… I plan to take a nap. Please pray that this baby chooses to do likewise.
  • I will NOT be administered the IV contrast stuff – it hasn’t been tested for pregnancy and it crosses the placenta – gross.
  • I will be in the tube for about 30-40 minutes, maybe more, while they try get the images they need. Most likely on my back, oy.
  • I will meet with the neuro-radiologist after my imaging series is completed to go over the findings and prognosis. His name is Dr. Desai, and from my background search, it appears that he teaches this stuff at Emory, so he’ll do.

So there you have it. Shout out to my sister, Sarah. She has graciously offered up her home and self to watch over the littles (minus one who is with the grandparents this week), so that John can come with me. The kids are excited about this change in their rather boring summer schedule. So the plan is a trip to Vinings after breakfast, then the journey into town. We’ll be checking in around 11:30 am and hopefully, we will get some answers.

P.S. Fun Fact: apparently tattoos can have microscopic bits of metal in them and can heat up in an MRI. I am tattoo-less, but found this interesting.

Thanks for all of the positive thoughts and prayers!

 

MRI Scheduled and 28 week update

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Today, I am 28 weeks and 3 days into my pregnancy, so I thought I’d just post an update while I twiddle my thumbs waiting for my Fetal MRI next Tuesday, 6/24, with Dr. Desai at CHOA – Egleston (they have a partnership with the Emory University Radiology Department to do this sort of imaging – and I’m secretly praying it’s not a child sized MRI tube).

According to the “What to Expect” app, my baby is 16″ long and weighs 2.5 lbs. Or as big as “a head of cauliflower”?? What a weird comparison, but I digress.

Saw Dr. Zimmerman at my regular OB practice today (they will be the ones actually delivering him, even if my care is managed by Dr. Lopez-Zeno at Northside Perinatal) and here’s how things are looking!

Weight gain/loss: I’ve finally gained 3 lbs over my first visit weight. Still breaking even with zero gain on my morning scale. In my defense, I had just had lunch.

BP: 132/78

Other: measuring “perfect” and no weirdness in my, um, specimen. I declined the dTap vaccine – I just don’t want this kid getting exposed to one more thing, and we are at a really low risk of exposure anyway. Not to mention it is an off label use not indicated for pregnancy or after the required booster, blah blah blah. I declined it. Then we talked in her office and she sweetly asked me if I was sleeping ok. Complimented my weight “gain”, and asked about the MRI appointment and what had gone on with Dr. Lopez-Zeno since my last visit to the office. She had the “I’m so sorry face” which sort of freaked me out a bit, but still I really do like her a lot because of the personal attention and time she gives me at each appointment. And not sitting on the exam table either…in her office, where I feel human.

Things I am thankful for today:

  • Gestational diabetes. Seriously, without it, I would not have had anymore ultrasounds until who knows when. The Lord knows I like to be prepared.
  • Medicaid, and the fact that we are poor enough to qualify still – praises be! The end.
  • Living in Atlanta. I’ve read stories on other blogs about the distances people travel to come here to deliver or see the specialists here. I live and work down the road. Thank you, Jesus.
  • Northside Hospital. I never wanted to deliver there. Avoided it like the plague. But I have changed my tune because I know that Baby Boy and I will be in the very best care, and right next to CHOA – Scottish Rite. How “providential” that my private insurance had limited OB & hospital options, and it was the only “in network” hospital.
  • Uneventful OB visits.

Everything happens for a reason. I do not believe in coincidence. So I will be thankful, and choose to choose joy!

2 weeks is a long time

Posted on by Posted in Pregnancy, Ventriculomegaly .

After our initial Ventriculomegaly diagnosis which you can read more about here, we had to wait two weeks before we could have a repeat ultrasound. We also were finally able to get approved for the Harmony Test at that same visit, which meant we were waiting for results of the blood work while ticking off the days.

I think I found the end of Google. I read all the medical papers and abstracts I could get my hands on. I searched Down Syndrome and Ventriculomegaly, I searched for Ventriculomegaly and prognosis, I viewed Google images looking for ultrasound images that resembled mine. I was attempting to control the uncontrollable. I realized I was pretty confident I could handle ANY diagnosis as the cause of the ventriculomegaly – I just wanted to know. I also looked at pictures of babies with hydrocephalus, researched shunts, and attempted to prepare myself for any scenario.

I don’t know if this is the ‘right’ way, per se, to handle information like this, but it was my way.

10 agonizing days later – “your Harmony Test results showed a ‘low risk’ for Trisomy 13, 18, & 21”

Ok. Thanks. See you Friday.

Friday came with a certain measure of peace. I can only say this was likely due to all of our friends and family praying for my sanity. Once again, I went alone – my poor husband watching our other kiddos and playing on his online casino game in which you just deposit to play so it takes his time after the kids bedtime.  I knew immediately that the problem had not “gone away” as I had been praying for. The two large black blobs were staring defiantly back at me. More measurements. More show and tell. The tech was super sweet, and I think because she pitied me, she flipped on the 3D transducer. I’ve never had a 3D ultrasound before. Amazing. I think seeing him gave me some relief. He looked…perfect. And beautiful. And just like his dad. Melt. (For some reason I can’t upload images at the moment, but when I can – I will)

Excruciating wait. Doctor comes in. “My tech is getting measurements of 13 – 13.5mm, so I would consider this stable.”

Stable. Ok. Could be worse.

So in short, we went from 12-12.5mm to 13-13.5mm in two weeks time.

“Also, I am unable to visualize the Corpus Callosum (say what?), and then see how the ventricles are shaped with the widest part farther away from the Choroid Plexus? (um… I guess so?) This is typical in Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum, so I think the next step is to get you scheduled for a Fetal MRI with the CNS Specialist. From there we will consult with the Pediatric Neurosurgeons, and the Neonatal team to discuss what might happen at delivery.”

SO MANY ACRONYMS!! I think most everyone knows what an MRI is, and a CNS specialist is a radiographer who specializes in the Central Nervous System. To accomplish this task, I will have to go down to Children’s Health Care of Atlanta Egleston Campus where Emory has a joint partnership for this type of MRI.  And what the heck is a Corpus Callosum?? I’m not even thinking about the consults with the Neuro and Neonatal teams yet because their involvement and at what level will be determined by the MRI results.

From Wikipedia:

Agenesis of the corpus callosum (ACC) is a rare congenital disorder in which the corpus callosum is partially or completely absent. ACC is usually diagnosed within the first two years of life and may manifest as a severe syndrome in infancy or childhood, as a milder condition in young adults, or as an asymptomatic incidental finding. Initial symptoms of ACC usually include seizures, which may be followed by feeding problems and delays in holding the head erect, sitting, standing, and walking. Other possible symptoms may include impairments in mental and physical development, hand-eye coordination, and visual and auditory memory. Hydrocephaly may also occur. In mild cases, symptoms such as seizures, repetitive speech, or headaches may not appear for years.

ACC is usually non-fatal. Treatment usually involves management of symptoms, such as hydrocephaly and seizures, if they occur. Although many children with the disorder will lead normal lives and have average intelligence, careful neuropsychological testing reveals subtle differences in higher cortical function compared to individuals of the same age and education without ACC. Children with ACC accompanied by developmental delay and/or seizure disorders should be screened for metabolic disorders.[3]

In addition to agenesis of the corpus callosum, similar conditions are hypogenesis (partial formation), dysgenesis (malformed), and hypoplasia (underdevelopment, including too thin).

Recent studies have also linked possible correlations between corpus callosum malformation and autism spectrum disorders (ASD).[4]

Kim Peek, a savant and the inspiration behind the movie Rain Man, was found with agenesis of the corpus callosum.

And, there you go.

So that’s where we are right now. I’m just waiting on Egleston or my specialists at Northside Perinatal Group to let me know when I will be shoved into a loud tube. A shout out to Dr. Lopez-Zeno. Should you ever find yourself in need of a Perinatologist, I can’t recommend him enough. His calm, optimistic, no nonsense, thorough approach, is just what this mama has needed. I think he thinks I’m smarter than I actually “might” be, but I appreciate that he doesn’t talk down or simply to me. He gives me information and lets me run with it, available to answer any questions that I have.

 

Before Ventriculomegaly

Posted on by Posted in Pregnancy, Ventriculomegaly .

One of the things I’ve been looking for in my search for ventriculomegaly, is background or “signs” leading up to our diagnosis. I think the first thing I asked at hss.edu, was “Did I cause this?” So for background purposes, this is the story of this pregnancy so far.

I am 36 years old – so in obstetric terms, I’m ancient. Not really, but I am AMA (Advanced Maternal Age). I will be nearly 37 when this baby boy is born. I didn’t even want to be pregnant – in all honesty. I have 5 beautiful children, and mentally I was so done. I closed the chapter on my baby birthing years with the fabulous delivery of my son in 2010, the day after my 33rd birthday.

I was in the midst of an epic weight loss battle – and for once, I was winning. Around May of 2013, something clicked for me nutritionally, and I found out that eating a high fat, lower carb diet rich in nuts, avocados, coconut, eggs, full fat dairy, animal protein, all the veggies I could handle and limiting my grains and fruits would catapult me closer than I ever thought possible to my goal.  By December 2013, I had lost 55 pounds, with a mere 50 to go, and I was feeling great.  I was looking forward to January, simply because our new insurance would kick in, and the first thing on our list was a checkup, followed immediately by a vasectomy referral.

And God laughed.

Apparently, losing a large amount of weight, eating a very clean unprocessed diet, and working out even moderately would be enough to trigger SUPER FERTILITY!

So, a few days before New Year’s, it suddenly dawned on me that I was feeling run down, HOT, and I was “late.” I knew.

I am ashamed to admit that I cried for days. Like, ugly cried. My kids were scared to death, and that made me feel worse. I went through the motions of the holiday. I went back to work. I started bleeding – and I felt…relieved.  Then immediate guilt. I apologized to everyone – my unborn, my heavenly Father, my husband… I mean what was wrong, really? So it was horrific timing. In the end I realized it was just fear and selfishness on my part. Obviously, He knew I could handle this – albeit badly. The bleeding stopped.

My first appointment was the day of Snowpocalypse 2014, the day the south stopped.  I met with my new OB at a completely new practice thanks to the limitations of my new insurance, and I didn’t like him at all. The short of it was that I was old, fat, and destined for a repeat c-section that I should just schedule now. Oh, and he was “sure” I was a diabetic, so we ran tests to see how “bad” off I was. He took forever, so I made it as far as my office unable to get home. Things were going ‘super awesome.’

Not surprising to me, I was not a diabetic. My hA1c was normal, so things were looking more promising. Maybe I could avoid the major hassles of gestational diabetes this time. I wasn’t as optimistic, but my mom sure was. I spent so much time “praying the diabetes away” when really it would prove providential.

My 12 week genetic scan was uneventful – my Nuchal Translucency measurement was 2.1mm. I had never had a reading over 2mm before, but the Perinatologist assured me that there were no other markers for any problems, but I should probably take a Harmony test to be sure. Harmony tests are new – it’s a blood test that looks for placenta DNA and can separate it from mom’s blood and look for the 3 most common Trisomies 13, 18, and 21 (aka Down Syndrome). I had my blood drawn, and the courier never picked it up. I didn’t find this out until a few weeks later, and in the interim, the government had decided I couldn’t use my private insurance anymore, I had to use Medicaid, and Medicaid wouldn’t cover the Harmony blood work. I took this as a sign to “let it go” and I didn’t pursue any further genetic testing. My 19 week “big ultrasound” showed a very healthy baby boy. Measuring and looking perfect! I also failed my 1 hour glucose test so badly that I just went straight to the monitoring – which I was already doing on my own. I soon started on insulin for fasting blood sugar control.

I met again with the Maternal Fetal Specialists at 22 weeks for a baseline growth scan. These would be repeated monthly to track growth as I have a history of large babies, and Gestational Diabetes certainly doesn’t help. At 21w5d, he was measuring 21w5d, and all was well. See you in a month.

On May 30, 2014, I was 25w5d, and I think he was measuring 25w2d – but my memory is a bit foggy on the details, because this is the day I would get up close and personal with a completely new part of my son – his lateral ventricles. You have 4 ventricles in your brain – but I was fixated on two large ones, side by side, as my Perinatologist pointed out all the structures that could be seen. It slowly started to sink in that there was a “problem” and this wasn’t just a detailed show and tell special. Once the left and right vents are formed in the first trimester, their width is fixed at around 6mm – with a cutoff of 10mm for “normal”.  After what seemed like 59 million measurements, we were told that the left and right vents were measuring 12mm to 12.5mm. Mild Ventriculomegaly.

The worst part for this “Type A” personality, was the “see you in 2 weeks so we can see if they are growing or stable”…say what? No one could tell us what was causing it, what it meant, what it would do – other than it “could” be Down Syndrome, it “could” be the early stages of hydrocephalus, it “could” progress, it “could” remain stable, he “could” be developmentally and/or cognitively delayed…the diagnosis of “could”.

More ugly crying.  I questioned, out loud, “And what was the point of alllll of this?!” I might not ever get an answer, and I’m learning to be ok with that.

New Direction

Posted on by Posted in Ventriculomegaly .

I’m dusting off the blog. Lord help me.

I struggle with blogging because it is a somewhat narcissistic endeavor for me. Why should anyone care what I have to say…really? My insights are not really unique, I don’t have much to add to the millions of conversations going on in cyberspace… I much prefer one on one discussion and interaction that isn’t sooooo – one sided.

BUT.

I recently find myself looking high and low for ANYTHING related to prenatal diagnosis of ventriculomegaly. Most of what I find is rather depressing, or vague, or it’s a blip – an abstract. In the entirety of Facebook, there are 900 people on the largest group for Ventriculomegaly, Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum and related neurological defects. So the blog is taking a new direction. I’ve drafted all my previous posts, because I find that none of it really matters right now. I’m going to use this tool to keep a digital record of our journey, so that others might benefit and find support, and so that those who love us can follow along if they want to.

Post-election observances

Posted on by Posted in Uncategorized .

Haven’t blogged in a while, but Facebook is no place to try to bare my soul without serious risk of being misunderstood.  My apologies if I have offended you, or if I am about to.  So here it is…my heart for America.

The American populace voted for the status quo.  Even New Hampshire voted “die.” While disappointed (my own mom called to make sure I wasn’t slipping into depression), I’m not actually surprised by that.  I spend enough time on Facebook, that I know exactly why that is.

For some reason unbeknownst to me, the Republican party insists on nominating old, rich, white guys – when quite frankly, there are not enough rich white guys left to elect them.  Die hard fiscal-cons & social-cons will hold their noses and vote, but what I truly feared actually came to pass…it looks like Romney garnered fewer votes than McCain.  THAN McCAIN!  The only reason it was even close was that Obama drew fewer votes than Obama ’08.  Most people, chose to just stay home.  I never anticipated that the electorate would be D+6 this year, but it was, and it’s not a mystery why.  So with that, an open letter.

Dear Republican party:

If you do not, with immediate effect, take my advice, you will go out like the Whigs.  I’m sorry, but unlike me, not everyone has the desire to sit down and read the Federalist Papers by a cozy fire.  Not everyone gets a tear in their eye whenever they see an American in uniform.  The general population does not wax poetic about policy.  Heck! they don’t even watch Live TV that much anymore.  We stream, we tweet, we like, we don’t want to be told no.  You have GOT to adapt.  Seriously.  The GOP needs to be burned to the ground and rise up out of the ashes stronger, smarter, younger.

1. Drop the abortio-fascists.

Christians, I’m looking directly at you.  We don’t ensure the salvation of the entire country when we elect a “Christian” into office, nor do we ensure the strength of our country when we vote for the pro-life candidate.   Let’s not get it twisted – we are voting for another human to act as the Administrator over the Federal Government, not Jesus.  When He comes to establish His kingdom, there won’t be a vote, nor will we all show up and say “I come from a Christian country, so I get in right?” Silliness. Your vote for an idiotic, purist, legitimate rape spouting, pro-life candidate over a competent, conservative, pro-choice candidate is not saving the country.  It allows the narrative of the “war on women” to continue and paints the party in the image of Akin and Murdock.  Your pro-life vote simply makes you feel that you didn’t compromise your values. I can empathize with you, but here’s the deal. YOU CANNOT LEGISLATE MORALITY.  If you want the government to get out of your way – you TRULY want smaller government, and less regulation, more efficient government, and religious freedom, GREAT! SO DO I!  But you can’t have it both ways.  Is abortion sad?  Absolutely. It’s a procedure that can literally break my heart when I think about it too long. Not just for the life that is stopped, but for the life that continues on afterwards too.  It kills me that we re-elected a man who literally actively supported infanticide.  Am I saying that as Christians or even just pro-life advocates that we should keep quiet? Absolutely not. We should continue to openly say how much we value life.  But the instant that we believe that we can force our ideas on each other through the use of law, is the instant we open that up to be turned back around on us.  Think “CHINA.”  I bet they would love to have a choice to have babies as they see fit.  Abortion will never be illegal here. Come to peace with that and pray for those who hurt.  Work to make adoption laws easier and the process less expensive.  In fact, just ADOPT! Reach out to pregnant women and support them, let’s make life not seem like a burden…let’s educate our daughters, and then let’s realize that if we focused on truly conservative principles, there probably wouldn’t be so much dread surrounding an unintended pregnancy. For the first time in our civilization, we view children as a burden.  Any change in this perspective, must start with us.  Cultivate healthy relationships in your own family, and be a model.  Bottom line though…only Jesus can change hearts.  Jesus doesn’t want slaves, He wants servant hearts. You won’t bring anyone closer to the outcome you want, by waging war against them politically. We all lose. In the absence of freedom, there is always a loser.

2. SAY HEEEYYY TO GAY.

What is it about the GLBT community that scares you? Ever heard of the phrase, thou doest protest too much? For the love of all that is holy, let me break this down for you. The Republican party was based on protecting the rights of the individual from the encroachment of the federal government.  There are a lot of gay conservatives who actually vote against their own self interests just to move conservatism forward. Don’t believe me?  Check out some guys I totally admire at GayPatriot and how about this young, black, gay conservative?  We should take a lesson from them and move our self interests on social issues to the back burner as well.  These folks are your neighbors, they are successful businessmen and women, gifted & intelligent speakers, with boundless creativity and enthusiasm.  The strength of their character is battle tested, and simply as a testimony of their persecution under others, they treat those around them with the respect they would ask for themselves. Do you believe in privacy from government? Would you like to make sure that the Federal Government doesn’t become so large and strong that it can take YOUR freedoms away? SUPER! Embrace civil unions for anyone who wants one, and provide specific protections that protect churches from suits raised for not performing wedding ceremonies.  Because here’s the deal y’all, the separations clause was intended to keep the government out of the church, not the church out of the government. HOWEVER, if we do not change our thinking with a quickness (because it’s already happening under Obamacare and the contraceptive mandates), we will absolutely have a federal judge mandating that churches must not discriminate and force them to perform marriages or lose their 501(c)3 tax exempt status. You do know that your wedding ceremony is not a recognized legal union either, right?  It’s that innocuous marriage license in a box somewhere in your closet (or maybe that’s me) that does that.  We’ve done a fine job of making a mockery out of marriage all on our own.  Let’s worry about our own marriages, and maybe we can learn something from them.   Not saying that I agree in principle on a personal level, but until I can get myself free from sin, I shall reserve judgment. Once again.  Should you have to shut up over whether homosexuality is a sin or not?  Nope. You still have freedom of speech and religion (for now), but please don’t be surprised when you read that pride, greed, lust, gossip, gluttony, drunkenness  etc are all sins as well and that you don’t deserve God’s love either, m’kay?  Jesus comes for hearts.  Sin is sin, and only Jesus can set people free from its power.  The Federal Government cannot do that.  It can only make sure that there is an environment in which to live freely.  See also, YOU CANNOT LEGISLATE MORALITY.

3. Don’t we WANT hard working people here?

Seriously. Some of the completely over the top hatred toward immigrants I see is nauseating and borders on racism.  Our fences should be tall, but our gates wide.  If you want to pay taxes here, why would we ever want to prevent you from being able to do that.  We should be jumping to have their money staying in our economy, not going back to another country!  Embrace the Latino population here who is hard working and seeking opportunity. We have more common ground than differences.  Heck, most of them are very socially conservative too! They are the perfect example of American exceptionalism.  We need common sense immigration reform, and we need to be actively reaching out to this community. FIGURE THIS OUT OR CONTINUE TO BE IN THE MINORITY.

4. MARKETING.

can we please not embarrass ourselves next election cycle with milquetoast ads and tweetbots?  It makes me cringe.  Let’s figure out this whole Twitter, blog, Reddit, Tumblr (insert social platform here) network thingy and actually leverage it.   There is a wealth of creativity in the young American populace. Many of them freelancing entrepreneurs! Embrace them. Elevate them. Publicly laud their efforts! We need to finally control the narrative on what conservative values are and what they are not, and we need people familiar with new media with new voices.  We cannot be the nice guy and believe that nice wins.  It doesn’t.  Fear motivates, and this year we were cast as the party to be feared.  We need to make the case for freedom, and explain how we ensure it. Want the youth vote?  Explain that you want them to be able to make money doing whatever they’re passionate about and you’ll protect and defend their right to live their lives without interference from someone telling them they can’t. The end.

5. Vaginas

women vote! who knew? We cannot be the party of crusty white guys and their stepford wives.  40% of all babies are being born to unwed mothers.  Praise their efforts.  They’ve done what you preferred – they delivered their babies. Point out that they are the spirit of American determination and work.  Recognize their challenges and give solutions. Not all of them are welfare pariahs, and unless you want to walk a day in their shoes, maybe we should reserve judgment on their circumstances and show them that economic freedom could bring them more money to spend more time with their kids. Improve education through vouchers and charters in failing school districts. Give them the tools they need to become taxpayers. Raise your sons to be worthy of them.  Let’s stop making marriage look like a sham. Show them how the free markets and thriving economy will make their life easier whether their situation is by design or circumstances. I can tell you one thing for certain, women have all the babies.  Single mothers are quite literally, raising the future generations as much as the homeschooling mom.  Want to have a strong future generation?  Woo them. Stop demonizing them.

6.  Get involved

Nothing changes, because the same people participate in the process in the micro level year after year.  Don’t like the results?  Do something about it.  I know I’m reevaluating my level of involvement. I typically do the yard sign thing, and the bumper sticker thing, and the small donation deal.  Now?  I’m at a place in my life where I’m ready to take a much more active role.  I don’t know exactly what that looks like yet, but I think that if you were upset enough to post on Facebook, you’re a perfect candidate to affect change in your small sphere.  That action, repeated over and over throughout the country is the only thing that will put us back on a track to freedom and prosperity.  Instead of shrinking the tent further, we need to push it out wide and be willing to focus on conservative values.

CONSERVATIVE VALUES ARE NOT: neglecting the poor, discriminating against those who sin differently than we do, saying freedom! freedom! then detaining citizens without due process, regulating industries to protect special interests, and neglecting to steward our resources – both financial and environmental. Crony capitalism bastardizes true free market capitalism.

CONSERVATIVE VALUES ARE: protecting the poor and defenseless both at home and abroad when necessary, defending liberty, providing opportunity regardless of race, religion, and creed, stewarding our revenues through balanced budgets, managing our resources, and cultivating an environment where markets – NOT GOVERNMENT – determines winners and losers. The belief in an exceptional America and the promotion of the American dream. Conservatism seeks to give out of compassion, not out of government redistribution.

Prop 37, sustainable agriculture, food freedom – these should be conservative initiatives! We need to return to pride of work and the value of the working class.  We should be championing the small farmer, the construction worker, the road paver, the teacher, the first responder, the creative mommy blogger, and the labor force at large. Give them the freedom to innovate and improve on broken models. There are a lot of ways that we could broaden the tent, but right now, the party is so fractioned it is impossible. The bottom line is this.  Until we can show the public at large that being a conservative Republican does not mean we are coming for your lifestyle, but that we are coming to ensure you continue to be able to pursue your dreams, we lose.  We need to stop the bleeding.  We need to show people they can do better without a government holding them back. We need to change, and fast.
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